A Teen's Guide to Life In Parsippany
by Alison Blair Schey
(A Special Sneak Preview)
Chapter One: Night-Life
Let me guess. You're new to the Parsippany teen scene, fresh off the bus from Montana (or some other third-world country) and you wanna know what's cool and hip. You've turned to the right girl. As an experienced teen with a Purity Test score in the high 80s and a member of the state-participating Field Hockey team, you'll appreciate my fresh outlook on having fun. Hopefully, it will give new meaning to our catchy town slogan: "Pride in Parsippany." No more lonely nights for you, buckaroo. Think of me as your own, special Parsippany pal.
The night starts out with a drive to Willowbrook (or Rockaway) Mall. If you choose Willowbrook, you're in for a real treat because none other than Queen Latifa used to chill with homies in this very establishment. (It should also be noted that the movie "Mallrats" is based on a New Jersey mall.) Since neither mall is in Parsippany, you'll have to refer to the companion documents "A Teen's Guide to Night-Life in Wayne" or "A Teen's Guide to Night-Life in Rockaway" for all the explicit details. To wet your appetite, lets just say the visits include views of pierced male genitala.
After shopping with the buds, we'll motor over to the Empire Diner, where the cool people drink coffee and smoke til dawn. Stock up on lushious free cookies and minted toothpicks, then check out the buisness cards and take all you can carry. Or, play a quick game of Ms Pac Man while waiting for your parents to pick you up.
Next, have your parent drop you off at the Parsippany 10 Movie Theatres, located beside one of Parsippany's classiest strip malls (featuring stores like McCrory's and The Great Wazu). Be sure to bring your student ID, because even if you look only 14 they still don't believe you're a student. After recieving your ticket, hand it to the nearby usher, where he'll rip it in half. (Don't worry. This is totally normal.) If you have time to spare, look around for some of your buds, chill in the game room, or watch movie previews on one of many large television screens scattered about. If you're feeling particularly daring, try hopping in another theater and catching the end of a cool movie.
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Parsippany Power Tip... The town is mentioned in the beginning of the feature film "The Karate Kid." |
After the flick, if your stomach begins a rumblin' and the butter-substitute-coated popcorn just wasn't enough, it's an easy walk to the newest McDonalds in northern New Jersey, located a mere hop, skip, and jump on the other side of the parking lot.
From McDonalds, use the payphone in the parking lot to call your most reliable taxi service or relative. Be careful not to miss the phone and continue walking, because you'll be smack dab in the middle of Route 46, a dangerous strip of highway younger teeny-boppers like to call "The Way to Willowbrook Mall."
At this point in the evening, it's time for a walk on the wild side. It straight on over to Quick Chek, on the border of omnious Lake Hiawatha. Here's where you'll find the nicest bunch of delinquents and skeezewads this side of the Mississippi, usually accompianied by a police car or three. (On a side note, they make pretty good sub sandwhiches here, but the lady who makes them can be crabby and difficult at times so schedule accordingly.)
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Parsippany Power Tip... If you're into cappuchino, the employees here don't mind if you put it in a normal coffee cup. This means you pay for the inexpensive java, passing the savings to you. |
After chilling at Quick Chek, it's time for a brain freeze. Take a ride to 7-11, passing over a scary single-lane bridge in the process. The actual store is in Montville, so...
...after returning to Parsippany, you'll probably want to go hang at a friend's house and watch a movie or two. Here, it's important to get a ride from someone hip, like an older brother, to ensure you're not stuck with a lame Disney movie. (If the stars are aligned properly, you may luck out with the uncut version of "Natural Born Killers.")
Before watching the movie, it's a perfect time for bonding with a special friend. Walking back to Quick Chek is a great way to talk privately and get good excercise in the process. Cut through Lake Hiawatha School, into a small wooded area rumored to once be inhabited by worshippers of Satan himself.
Laugh arrogantly as you walk past the same skeezwads, knowing you have a better life. If it's near Christmas, buy them a pack of cigs and they'll love you forever. (If you snatch a wine cooler from your parents and pass it along, they'll do a dance.)
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Parsippany Power Tip... Do not give the wine cooler when a police officer is standing there. He may take it for himself, and you won't get to see the dance. |
On the way back from Quick Chek, feel free to sit and rest upon the jungle-gym at Lake Hiawatha School. Head on home, watch the movie, and go in your room to talk privately once again. As a teen, you have many questions about life that simply can't be discussed in the presence of "other aged people."
Well, that's about it. It's time for lights out and dreams of another great night in your new home town.
Chapter Two: How Do You Say Parsippany?
and the last way to say Parsippany....
If you selected number seven, you won't sound like a complete idiot asking for directions.